Why Doesn’t My Girlfriend Trust Me?

A free person is the only kind of person who can be trusted, because he will never try to convince you to be or do anything which you can not, or choose not, to be or do.
-Rasta Speaks

Trust is a precious thing.

It takes years to build, and can be broken in an instant.

It takes many millions of moments of trustworthiness to tip the scales back towards balanced when compared against even a tiny betrayal. Continue reading

The 7 Habits of Happy Couples

Congratulations! You are in a relationship!

Depending on whose advice you listen to, this is either a pitiable surrender to the conventions of a consumerist society, or a spiritually-evolved path to true happiness.

I’m not here to argue either side: I’m here to support you in this choice with my best thinking on how to make your decision as free, harmonious & loving as possible.

So here, without further ado, are the seven habits of happy couples:  Continue reading

The 6 Signs of Competent Flirtation

One reason why women in public are often so “closed” to being approached by strangers: flirting done wrong is unpleasant, awkward, and the norm.

If you know what you’re doing, though, women LOVE to be flirted with.

Being a competent flirt leads to women having better experiences with men in general and strange men in particular, and therefore will help de-program some of the pathological fear of strangers that holds sway in society today.

Look at the list below for some signs you may be a competent flirt. Continue reading

The Basics of Attraction Body Language.

This 15-minute segment was aired on the UK’s Channel 4 – Body Talk “Sex” show, and is a good starting point for familiarizing yourself with the “tells” or body language of the nightclub, or discotheque — these body language “tells” are what makes flirting possible (and fun).

Here’s a quick guide based on my viewing:

  • Hair / head flipping: “Hello, boys.”
  • Eye contact lock-on: ”I want that one.” (see 5:05)
  • Eye contact + smile: “Come on over.” (5:23)
  • Leaning in and getting no love: “Go away.” (5:44)
  • Shoulder shrug + wink: “Digging you.” (7:00) Plus, good example of jealous female friend.
  • Neck exposure + face touching + hair preening: (7:30) “Like me, like me, like me!”
  • Bum pat: ”Don’t forget me while I’m gone.” (7:50.) Not a bad idea if you’re going to the bar to freshen your drink. Oh, and be sure you offer to get drinks for others while you’re there, that’s the true Fierce Gentleman.
  • Crossed legs / feet: “I’m not going anywhere.” (8:15).
  • Lip touching: “Like me!” The body language expert narrating doesn’t mention this, but lip touching is generally a flirtatious signal, and it certainly is in this case.
  • Feet pointing away: ”She’s just not that into you.” (10:35)
  • Joining a conversation in progress + hugging behavior. (11:40) Notice how the more attractive woman modulates the effect of a more attractive man entering the group with the body language of the hug.
  • Chin tuck: “I’m feeling defensive or threatened.” (13:15)
  • Drinks held high: (throughout) “I’m feeling slightly defensive.” (The drink is a shield.) This is a default for most people. Watch out for people who hold their drinks loosely at their sides, below the belt; they are usually more confident than everyone else there.

The post-night interviews are fun, and give us a chance to see how much of this behavior is unconscious. A huge amount of flirtatious behavior just slides under the rug as “being nice.” (Also note how disappointed Sarah is when she says “No (he didn’t flirt with me.)”

The segment ends with a good question: if women are always “being nice” to men, how are men to tell legitimate interest from harmless, casual flirtation?

Any ideas?

For more body language brilliance, see Amy Cuddy on how “Power Postures” can boost testosterone, and this article on open vs. closed, go-away vs. come-here, fixing your own body language, and lie detecting.

Bad Dating Advice: “Be Yourself” vs “Be Alpha”

I’m always shocked at how terrible dating advice gets passed around continually.

The first is the well-meaning but tragically wrong advice “Be yourself.”

You usually hear women saying this to men.

Women say this because they are sexually passive and it’s advice they give to each other all the time. It’s not bad advice as far as it goes, if you’re already an attractive woman.

What women are forgetting is that they have already undergone decades of covert training in how to be more attractive to men.

(See glamor magazines, gossip shows, television, books, Ken, Barbie, Disney, My Little Pony, basically all media from the time she pops out of the womb.)

The Manual of Womanhood. since 1965

The Manual of Womanhood. since 1965

If men had that kind of hard-core training maybe the advice would be more useful. From birth, men would have been trained to eat big, lift big at the gym, dress well, smell good, talk pretty, be hilarious, go on life-threatening adventures, start businesses, ask for what they wanted, etc. Continue reading

Getting The Girl Requires Working On Yourself FIRST.

The woman you want to date has to say to herself,  “Something is different about that guy. I want to know more.

To be outstanding, you must first stand out. Work on yourself first. This fierce gentleman knows the power of that lesson.

To stand out, you have to work on yourself first.

There is no magic pill or special line that will suddenly make women see you differently.

(Okay, there are, but their effect doesn’t last. That’s what a decade of pickup shenanigans have taught us.)

But wait! As men, we’re already perfect, right?

. . . Right?

Continue reading